Handsome lookin’ machines don’t have to move an inch to be handsome, or save your bacon in case of xenomorph bioweapon attack. Witness the Heidelberg V-30.

^ It’s a handsome lookin’ machine, alright.

I’ve long admired Heidelbergs, from the sheet-fed litho at Harris Printers that I swept around after school; to Rupert’s huge, building-filling behemoths in News International, my first employers after college*.

The V-30 looks as if it could single-handedly produce at least a spiral-arm or two of the Gutenberg galaxy:

“With a horizontal web lead, the V-30 prints at up to 35,000 impressions per hour in heatset mode and 45,000 impressions per hour in non-heatset mode. Solid steel frames extend to the floor for simplified installation, and solid cylinders have simple slot lockups for quick and easy plate changes. A vertical cylinder stack arrangement with a shallow blanket-to-plate cylinder angle stiffens unit dynamics, permitting higher quality printing at higher speeds. Blanket cylinder positioning also allows faster clean up, shortening the down time between jobs. “

That’s great, but what’s the use of a fecund and free press running at 35k iph when merciless swarms of acid-dribbling space cockroaches come a-calling?

The V-30 I believe, with it’s extended finishing options, could be a great place to lure killer aliens to their death within it’s whirling innards:

^ Printing-press or battleground? You decide.

“JF-35 options:

• Tall air former
• Rotary blade quarter folder
• Urethane nip rollers
• Cross perforators
• Web severer
• Motorized former nose slitter module”

You’ll be able to keep one vigilant eye out for suspicious Giger-esque shapes in the shadows, as the controls of V-30 don’t make undue demands on your noodle:

“User-friendly V-30 controls deliver all the advanced features necessary to keep productivity high and makeready waste low. From the console, operators can monitor and adjust everything from ink, water, drive, and motorized registration systems to the tension control and folder settings.”

Just like there’s nothing quite like the feeling of having saved the Earth from a murderous alien brood, there’s nothing quite like witnessing a big web-offset press rolling. Your local newspaper might be gracious enough to allow you to witness the latter if you can prove it would prepare you for the former.

Ratings [1 -> 5]
Handsome factor: ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦
Monster readiness: ♦ ♦
[marked down due to dangers of luring beasts into machine]
Cost: $$$$

Spec sheet is here [1121k PDF]

Another HLM next week!

—
* not sure Wapping ran/runs Heidelbergs, actually… anyone know?