Handsome lookin’ machines don’t have to move an inch to be handsome, or save your bacon in case of xenomorph bioweapon attack. Witness the Heidelberg V-30.

^ It’s a handsome lookin’ machine, alright.

I’ve long admired Heidelbergs, from the sheet-fed litho at Harris Printers that I swept around after school; to Rupert’s huge, building-filling behemoths in News International, my first employers after college*.

The V-30 looks as if it could single-handedly produce at least a spiral-arm or two of the Gutenberg galaxy:

“With a horizontal web lead, the V-30 prints at up to 35,000 impressions per hour in heatset mode and 45,000 impressions per hour in non-heatset mode. Solid steel frames extend to the floor for simplified installation, and solid cylinders have simple slot lockups for quick and easy plate changes. A vertical cylinder stack arrangement with a shallow blanket-to-plate cylinder angle stiffens unit dynamics, permitting higher quality printing at higher speeds. Blanket cylinder positioning also allows faster clean up, shortening the down time between jobs. “

That’s great, but what’s the use of a fecund and free press running at 35k iph when merciless swarms of acid-dribbling space cockroaches come a-calling?

The V-30 I believe, with it’s extended finishing options, could be a great place to lure killer aliens to their death within it’s whirling innards:

^ Printing-press or battleground? You decide.

“JF-35 options:

• Tall air former
• Rotary blade quarter folder
• Urethane nip rollers
• Cross perforators
• Web severer
• Motorized former nose slitter module”

You’ll be able to keep one vigilant eye out for suspicious Giger-esque shapes in the shadows, as the controls of V-30 don’t make undue demands on your noodle:

“User-friendly V-30 controls deliver all the advanced features necessary to keep productivity high and makeready waste low. From the console, operators can monitor and adjust everything from ink, water, drive, and motorized registration systems to the tension control and folder settings.”

Just like there’s nothing quite like the feeling of having saved the Earth from a murderous alien brood, there’s nothing quite like witnessing a big web-offset press rolling. Your local newspaper might be gracious enough to allow you to witness the latter if you can prove it would prepare you for the former.

Ratings [1 -> 5]
Handsome factor: ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦
Monster readiness: ♦ ♦
[marked down due to dangers of luring beasts into machine]
Cost: $$$$

Spec sheet is here [1121k PDF]

Another HLM next week!

—
* not sure Wapping ran/runs Heidelbergs, actually… anyone know?

Gadget blogs and things that post pictures of small shiny bits of tech seem to be all the rage, so in response, a new, regular feature for this site: every week I’ll post a handsome lookin’ machine or HLM for your delectation.

A HLM is not shiny, not small, but is most definitely handsome – and probably could be used effectively in the final battle scene of a giant monster movie.

First up, the JCB JS330XD crawler excavator

^ It’s a handsome lookin’ machine!

“The reinforced dipper and linkages, rugged undercarriage guarding, and a variety of buffers and protective covers ensure that the machines are fully equipped for a long-life on any demolition site. Such protection allows the operator to make the most of the immense destructive ability at his disposal.”

Sounds handy in a fight – but what if a giant mutagenic komodo dragon is dangling you in it’s jaws? JCB have you covered:

“The reinforced turret belly guard protects the vulnerable centre of the machine. Being flush fitted, it will stop the reinforced steel bars, common on demolition sites, from penetrating the machine belly.”

The pictures of the cabin on the website seem to depict an intuitive control scheme and a comfortable commanding operator position; meaning that in any construction site showdown, one could feasibly jump in there with no prior operating experience and make a good fist of defending civilization from mutant monster attack.

Also, there’s plenty of space in the cab for a Thermos, so no worries if you play the long game.

Ratings [1 -> 5]
Handsome factor: ♦ ♦ ♦
Monster readiness: ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦
Cost: $$$

Spec sheet is here [340k PDF]

Another HLM next week!